Conflicted

It's way too late and I need to go to sleep, but I'm really having a hard time between something I want for myself, and something I think is important as a human being-at least the kind of one I want to be.

The long and short of it is that I would like as a birthday present to sign up for 21 Secrets
BUT, I think that it will lead to me just wanting more art supplies, more accumulation of gorgeous, yummy art materials that I'll be too afraid to use, and ultimately add to my habit of"wanting" things. I can justify all about how it's like $3 bucks per class, that most of these instructors are people I've been following and admiring their art for at least a good year, that it's a birthday present that will keep on giving for much longer past that simple day...

I have so much more I should do with that money, as reasonably priced as it is.

Beyond bills, and birthday and baby gifts long belated, I feel so keenly the struggles that are going on out there in these times of real crisis, the voices are a cacophony that invades my thoughts all too often. As much as we are walking the tight rope of economic strain, it is nothing compared to the real needs of so many people and animals right now. So having just gotten paid, I've been spreading the wealth all night: a few dollars to help support a friend's fledgling jump into selling her art and owning her value as an artist, some money to local animal rescue groups, funds to a local science center and a local blogger who writes fantastic tales of eating healthy, organic, and well minded on a teensy budget who has lost her job; every little bit I can spread.

The truth is I could do more, and I know that this $59 dollars, as much as it will bring me joy in a fun group of people who inspire me, could bring a new life to a kitten in rescue, or a mosquito net for children in African nations besot by malaria, or money to help clean up the gulf

and if I am going to talk about how important social justice and community conscious is to creating a better world, than it has to start with me.

So I'll visit the Mono Lake Committee website tonight and pay my dues, and up my monthly contribution to the ASPCA, and send funds to One Farm at a Time, and call my girlfriend who can't catch a break in PA and ask her if I can give her money for groceries for her and the baby this week.

 21 Secrets will have to just stay a secret a little longer.