Failure

So I failed to find any time or motivation to finish my weekword last week which is a first. I'm notoriously late, and often times scattered or clumsily staggering along, but since starting to participate in this little project, I've always managed to eek something out of my brain, through my fingers, and onto this blog to complete the weekword assigned...until now. I don't know why I wasn't really able to finish ( I did a post, but it felt contrived and self-righteous to list out some of the non-profits I regularly give to so I junked it), it's not like the word "ten" failed me or just wasn't "good" enough, I just didn't do it.

And then I felt bad for not doing it, so I avoided Gratitude Friday from Nolwenn because I figured, "Well if I'm not going to finish one thing, I can't allow myself to do anything till I finish". I felt guilty for not finishing what I set out to do and in doing so ignored other posts I wanted to do, but just got caught up in more guilt and finally finished with a resolution that I must be shitty at this whole blogging thing, so maybe I should just stop. No one reads it anyways, and besides, I can't keep up with all these amazing artistic bloggers, so why keep trying to add more things to my plate? I even managed to keep this whole train of thought through Wishcasting Wednesday yesterday, actually getting angry and a little bitter at the whole notion I should even HAVE to do these things!

So today, I forced myself to click the New Post button and write and here is where I am at:

What the hell is wrong with me?


No one made me start this blog. No one made me sign on to any of these little projects for encouraging interbloggedness (not a word, but still sounds good for what I'm trying to express). No one has put any pressure, or disapproving tones, or looks of disgust into my subconscious-just me, myself, and I.

Self-doubt-this nagging persisting voice dug far into the back of my brain just came out in full force, and it's really not pretty. It's also not what I want for my own life, so I'm taking my blog back from the Guilt Gremlin.

If I get a chance to participate in these fun little activities designed to help me focus on being attentive to the world around me as well as my inner universe-great. If I don't have MAKE time during my day to complete what I've set out to to do,

that is okay.

I'm saying this stuff out loud to myself as I write and it's damn hard to say and believe, and it really shouldn't be. But, I'll just take a deep breath, and try again to be...

                                                          kinder to myself

accept that I'm flawed and that being human is about being flawed

             that the flaws are beautiful

                                                                        and that there is no reason to stress over a fucking blog!



This I believe (or will because it's true)