Hurt

I have a tendency to not post when I'm feeling anxious, frustrated, or depressed since writing these things down for me in a way I can go back and look at them makes me further upset usually. I know that the writing process itself is therapeutic for many, and I do find that to be the case, but it's the act of writing it out in this public space that makes it worrisome. I'm just trying to explain myself a little I guess. I have a desire to chronicle events that affect me, even negative ones, and I like the concept of sharing myself as a whole person; angry, petty, disappointed at times in spite of my own hope to perpetually remember that other people's reactions are not something I can control. I like that I try to just be me and not have multiple face for different groups I'm communicating to-I count you all who read this as my friends. But writing here that I'm angry; that people who I have looked at as colleagues don't seem to see me in the same light when the going gets tough, that it hurts when people I think of as friends choose to behave petty and disrespectful......

If I write it, it becomes permanent somehow in my head.

 It makes me afraid that it's not just feelings on my part, it's the truth, and I don't want it to be.

 This is actually why I've never really kept a diary or journal because I have this underlying deep seated belief that if I write it, whether it's my own personal feelings that are transitory at just one glimpse in time, it becomes true...always.

So I'm sitting at my desk, continuing to try and sludge through work and be cheery, and remember that I've done nothing wrong (other people have looked at the situation including my supervisor and clearly stated that these colleagues are in the wrong and behaving immaturely), but all I want to do is go home and crawl under the covers and make this sinking in my chest go away.I want to not know that this is part of what is in their hearts.

I'm so disappointed in people I've called family.


I so needed this post from Kind Over Matter showcasing Julia Fehrenbacher's amazing work. It helps me reset from the sadness and I do hope all of you find a moment to enjoy it.

This is Julia's print from Etsy

REMEMBERING

There is nothing you need to do, you know

no amount of hiding or seeking
or telling or trying will erase
the ache, the weight
the trembling, strangling
middle of the moment
grip
that threatens to feast
on your core

You need only
return
to the part
that breathes
and beats and hears
and Sees
all on its very own

to the part that hums
and sways and dreams
lullabies

of Peace

Come, it says
lean the weight of you
against me
sit and stay

until you remember

that you are tangled
and woven
in stardust
in roots and rivers
in suns and moons
in every breath
that has ever breathed

until you remember

that you are Me
and I am You
that together we
Are

everything